Tory leadership candidate Michael Gove has said he “deeply regrets” taking cocaine more than 20 years ago…
…after the drug dealer, a man Michael Gove would only refer to as ‘Boris’, quickly took it back off him and punched him in the face.
He told the Daily Mail that this incident occurred at a “social event” while working as a journalist.
Attended by Sam Gyimah, Matt Hancock, Mark Harper, Jeremy Hunt, Sajid Javid, Andrea Leadsom, Esther McVey, Dominic Raab, Rory Stewart, Boris Johnson and anyone else he may have missed out who are thinking of standing for the Conservative Leadership.
Michael says he never actually got to try the cocaine, but everyone else at the party were, “as the drug community vernacular has it, completely off their nipples.”
The environment secretary said he believed the “mistake” should not be held against him in his bid to become prime minister.
Michael Gove admitted he would have taken the substance if he’d been able to pull the ring tab off the can. “I now understand why it’s described as the hard stuff, screw tops are much easier to open. I also worry about the effect on my health; back in those days we didn’t have Zero Coke.”
The News Dump is not a parody of a news site – we are a news site. It’s just that half of each article is the story itself, and the other half has been played for laughs. Anything in bold is true, anything not is a joke…
…and anything in the Daily Mail is somewhere in-between the two.