Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman Loera, the infamous Mexican drug lord was convicted by a US jury on 10 criminal counts in connection with his massive narcotics empire, a victory for drug-enforcement authorities who had pursued him relentlessly for more than two decades.
However, the victory was short lived. The UK government sought the assistance of Donald Trump to secure a stay in the evil drug Baron’s sentence so a 1-year consultancy contract with Theresa May’s government for him to secure drug supplies into the UK post Brexit could be taken up.
The contract was issued by Transport Minister Chris (dropped the ball again) Grayling, and is said to be worth £50 million.
“I know it’s small change to El Chapo,” said a bikini wearing Grayling from his office Jacuzzi, “But he’ll get at least a knighthood out of this to go with the dosh before the yanks slam him in prison for a week and he bribes his way out.”
Thinking he was speaking off the record, the dimwitted Homer Simpson lookalike then added, “Shh! Don’t tell anyone but I need all the help I can get because I’ve screwed up big style. I’ve never actually been to Dover but I understand there’s a lot of water the other side of the town to London. I haven’t got a clue how to get drugs and stuff all the way from the continent to the UK without having to somehow negotiate that wet bit. I think you have to use a boat or something. I know trains are out. I’m not dumb. They’d sink. But whatever the solution is, I’m confident El Chapo will know how it’s done.”
When the bald headed fart was told he was speaking on the record, he shouted, “D’OH!”