A Brexit deal is looking ‘about as likely as finding out Boris didn’t shag Jennifer Acuri’ according to Angela Merkel.
The Prime Minister and German Chancellor discussed Mr Johnson’s latest proposals to the EU during an early morning phone call.
Following the call Mrs Merkel said she was surprised that ‘after all the initial secrecy, Boris has come back with essentially the same deal, but with the backstop replaced with some sort of unworkable border system that appears to have been designed by the same civil servant who came up with Universal Credit.’
Mr Johnson has refused to be drawn into discussions about his relationship with Ms Acuri.
What is clear is that he’s got a roving eye, wandering hands and a penis that’s had more adventures than Tin Tin. And that he gave £126k of taxpayers’ money to Ms Acuri without anything like a decent explanation.
And Mrs Merkel said she finds it ‘hard to believe he didn’t have his wicked way with Ms Acuri’ after he spent most of his time in Germany last month ‘offering his bratwurst to the locals’.
She even caught him ‘humping a chest of drawers after he found out the translation, die kommode, is a feminine noun’.
A Downing Street source said the conversation marked a shift in Germany’s approach and made a negotiated deal ‘essentially impossible’.
Mrs Merkel said a deal is ‘not impossible’ but would be ‘more likely’ if EU officials were able to negotiate with ‘a legitimate politician rather than testosterone in a bad wig’.