With the election looming the Tories have finally found a few fucks to give.
Health Secretary Matt Hancock has announced that thousands of mental health patients will have their care reviewed within the next 12 months after a damning report by the Joint Committee on Human Rights.
Hancock initially dismissed the report as ‘a load of old shit’ and asked, ‘who gives a shit about the vulnerable anyway?’
But after MPs voted in favour of a December 12th general election, Dominic Cummings asked a few ‘cannon fodder MPs’ to take their first few tentative steps into the real world. Cummings said he was ‘astounded’ that early indications show ‘some people out there actually give a shit about other people’.
Speaking on mental health, Mr Hancock said he’s ‘determined to put this right.’
As the Conservative election machine began it’s lumbering move towards December, Hancock, along with the other Tory big guns, was sent out to make outrageous promises and criticise Jeremy Corbyn. But with Cummings deciding that even people who give a shit about other people won’t give a shit about the Duchy of Lancaster, Michael Gove was given the task of scouring the Downing Street outhouse for any fucks still lying around from when some rebel Tories tried forming a splinter group with the aim of showing interest and empathy for the electorate.
And the bespectacled testicle proved himself to be only nearly completely useless when he discovered a couple of fucks wedged in between a wheelbarrow and Michael Hesletine’s toenail shears.
Grey, dusty and of questionable use, the Tories have been in power since 2010.
Mr Cummings said he was ‘delighted’ to have a couple fucks to give and promised both will be used on the vulnerable ‘ as they’re the people Conservatives like fucking the most’.