May warns UK faces “uncharted territory” if MPs reject Brexit deal. Contingency plan contains just three words: ‘Here be Monsters’.

Politics

The Prime Minister insists that next week’s Brexit deal vote will “definitely” go ahead.

Yes, and Bill Clinton “definitely” did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Mrs May also claims that the UK’s March exit from the EU would be “in danger” if MPs did not back the deal.

“It’ll be a bit like trying to leave a nightclub without having chosen a designated driver,” she said. “With no firm plan on how to get home everyone will just end up pissed, crawling around aimlessly, trying to snog anyone in sight and vomiting into their shoes.”

One Tory Brexiteer said support for leaving without a deal was “hardening”.

Many Brexiteers are themselves hardening at the prospect of leaving without a deal.

Indeed, their fantasy of the UK becoming a giant, isolated village green – with no links to ‘outsiders’ and where it’s not just the cricket kits that are pure white – is giving them sensations they haven’t felt in decades.

However, Theresa May has warned that Britain will be in “uncharted territory” if her deal is voted down.

The no-deal contingency plan – on which civil servants have been working for months – is little more than a sheet of paper with ‘here be monsters’ scrawled alongside a crude drawing of Boris Johnson swimming.

At the bottom of the page the word “cannibals?” is written next to a picture of a spear. This is believed to be the no-deal solution to the UK’s food supply.

Compass points in the corner show ‘S’ in all directions. It’s obviously Downing Street’s view that a no-deal Brexit means, whatever happens next, things are definitely going to go south.

Chris Ballard

Written By: Chris Ballard

Chris has literally months of experience as a comedy writer. He has had sketch and oneliner credits on BBC’s Newsjack, is a certified writer on Comedywire and has written over 100 articles for various satire sites. He lives in Kent where he is cared for by his wife and two children. One day his wife will laugh at something he has written.
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