Theresa May has promised that she’ll stand down as Prime Minister, providing MPs finally back her Brexit deal.
“We’ll never get rid of her now” parliament collectively shouted last night.
Seeing as the DUP have already said they still cannot vote for the deal, bookies have made the year 2029 the favourite for when May will finally stand down.
Coincidentally 2029 is the year Arnold Schwarzenegger is sent back in time in The Terminator.
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson have both said they’d be willing to back the deal
on the condition that May will leave Number 10 ASAP, so that that Rees-Mogg can continue to profit from this chaos, and Johnson is the first to step over May’s warm body on the way in to office.
With the latest odds on her deal not going through, the ERG are now very much in panic mode, and are willing to turn to witchcraft to get her out of the door.
During his days at Eton, Rees-Mogg was a known amateur witch, often spending lonely nights conjuring up spells to bring harm to those who offended him, mostly the children of foreign diplomats who were in his class.
Theresa May has remained resilient throughout her tenure, staying defiant during leadership challenges and surviving two catastrophic meaningful vote defeats in parliament.
This has led to Rees-Mogg dusting off his old witch’s hat and broom so that he can once again cast a spell to remove May once and for all, if traditional parliamentary processes don’t work then black magic will have to do. He’s so serious he’s brought in Iain Duncan Smith, Michael Gove and Boris Johnson to help with the spell. Three men with such poor public reputations that witchcraft can be the only answer as to why they’re still here.
Chris Grayling asked if he could help, but was rejected because he’d probably just accidentally turn everybody into frogs.