Male birth control pill passes human safety test. “Won’t stop you catching knob rot though, will it?” say a panicked Durex

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Male birth control pill passes human safety test. Won’t stop you catching knob rot though, will it? say a panicked Durex

A birth control pill for men has passed initial human safety tests, experts at a leading medical conference have heard.

The announcement signals the completion of the easy part of the long awaited ‘Male contraceptive pill’ – the development and testing of a pill that is safe for men to use without any significant side-effects. 

The hardest part will be getting men, who on average tend to take at least six months to complete an item on their ‘to do’ list, to remember to take it.

The once-daily pill contains hormones designed to stop sperm production.

”You know what it won’t stop, though?” said a spokesperson for Durex after hearing the news. 

”Knob rot. The clap. Herpes. Chlamydia. Or syphilis, in the case of a former Tory cabinet member, and any others among the in-bred upper classes. 

“That itchy shit will be all over your genitals like d*ckheads at a Tommy Robinson rally.”

The researchers behind the work, Professor Christina Wang (honestly – that is her actual surname, we haven’t even made that up – Ed.) and her colleagues, are excited but cautious about the findings.

Presumably excited at the prospect of women not having to bear the sole responsibility of taking a birth control pill for once, but cautious about giving the men in their life an excuse not to make use of the extra protection afforded by a condom.

“Our results suggest that this pill, which combines two hormonal activities in one, will decrease sperm production while preserving libido,” Prof Wang said.

Whilst this appears to be accurate, little was reported on the significant number of men who took part in the study and found themselves weeping over a particularly emotional Andrex advert, or flying into a blind rage every time their partner left their dirty clothes on the floor at the end of the day.

And this is not the only prototype hormone-based male contraceptive. Prof Wang and her colleagues have also been testing a contraceptive in the form of a body gel that men can rub into their back and shoulders to decrease sperm production.

“So after their daily shower, men would apply the gel and be confident the contraceptive has worked” she said.

“Wait, what do you mean not all men shower every day? Well that’s put me right off.”

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