Lowest levels of female unemployment ever. Although we know at least one woman who’s about to have to sign-on…

UK Politics
Lowest levels of female unemployment ever. Although we know at least one woman who's about to sign-on...

The female unemployment rate in Britain has fallen to only 3.7%, the lowest since records began.

However, with her resignation seemingly imminent, these figures won’t necessarily be music to the ears of PM Theresa May. In preparation for her unemployment Mrs May completed a Work Capability Assessment and was found fit for employment despite being dead, at least behind the eyes, for at least a decade.

Average weekly earnings have also risen by 3.3%

Which is good news for Phillip May, husband of the Prime Minister, who will now have to support them both on his single salary. Mr May, who has worked as a financier for over 30 years, is reportedly worried about making his wage stretch to cover both of them stating, ‘walking holidays are expensive, you know!’ If Theresa can’t find work she will have to apply for Universal Credit, a system she has championed for many years and surely wont regret now that she depends on it.

However, average output per worker only grew 0.7%

A result of the Brexit effect, people are increasingly faffing about for long periods of time before frantically turning in a half-hearted attempt at something resembling their job.

Male unemployment currently stands at 3.9%

This figure has shocked many career politicians, as every boy they attended Eton with has been in continuous, highly paid, employment (except for the ones in prison on tax charges)

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