Dogs have been at the centre of controversy today, after it was revealed that they are charging humans ‘extortionate fees’ to show them how to clean themselves ‘quickly and comfortably’ on even the roughest of carpets.
Despite the claims that they are trying to make a quick profit from the current toilet roll crisis, the founder of the movement, an anonymous poodle who wanted only to be identified as Mr Dog, spoke to us earlier today.
“People are quick to criticise, but any dog owner will confirm that we are the experts in this. We feel that £50 per hour, plus treats, is a small price to pay for the transfer of expertise from one species to another. We even offer discounts to family groups.”
“The classes have different techniques, so that people of all abilities and ages can ensure an efficient wipe, leaving the smallest of traces behind. One person even called it magic and said that I must be a shit-wizard,” continued Mr Dog.
Marion Butterworth, 78, from Wilmslow in Cheshire has said that she found the classes ‘uplifting’ and ‘inspirational’.
“Arth…sorry, Mr Dog, is an absolute genius and I can honestly say that if I had known these techniques years ago, I’d never have bothered with loo roll in the first place. It’s incredible. I’ll never go back.”
However, Mr Dog did warn people not to attempt this at home without first seeking expert advice.
“This isn’t something to be taken lightly,” he said, “I’ve seen all sorts of cheek burns, agitated haemorrhoids and even testicular twists when people have tried to do this without the proper training.”
It is believed that carpet cleaner is already selling out at some major supermarkets and could well be the next item to be cleared from the shelves.