London Mayor Sadiq Khan called for people to wear non-medical face masks – such as scarves or bandanas – in public as “additional protection” to social distancing.
“And I personally wouldn’t rule out the Celebrity Cardboard Mask, in these serious times”, the London Mayor was quoted whilst conducting a virtual press conference from City Hall with a ‘Breakfast At Tiffany’s’ Audrey Hepburn Special’ strapped to his face, “There are legions of tacky souvenir shops throughout the capital, just waiting to repurpose their stocks for the good of the community. Do you have any idea how many Prince Andrew masks have gone left unsold in the past six months? These purveyors of tat need your help.”
The Mayor added “masks should be worn when people cannot keep two metres apart such as on public transport or while shopping”
“I’m not saying that masks should be worn all the time, but what better way to lighten a mornings commute on an overcrowded tube train, than slipping on a Mr Bean or Vicar of Dibley to lighten your day”, the decreasingly credible Mr Khan said, “Why stop there? Perhaps a family group could travel en-mass as ‘One Direction’ or maybe ‘The Brotherhood of Man’, but please ‘Save Those Kisses’ for when this is all over “, The soon to be ex-Mayor chuckled.
The Mayor went onto say “What I’m lobbying for is, at the moment, when you can’t keep your distance, wear a non-medical facial covering”
“And you can’t get more non-medical than the commemorative ‘Bruce Forsythe Memorial'”, the Mayor added, trying to avoid that ‘Nice Two Meter, Two Meter Nice’ gag and sadly failing, “I have it on strong scientific evidence that a Celebrity Cardboard Mask offers no medical protection what so ever
The Government [well Grant Shapps actually] responded by stating the public will not be told to wear face masks to stop coronavirus unless the science says so
“I know I have often said that there isn’t a problem that cannot be solved by the wearing of a Celebrity Cardboard Mask”, said Mr Shapps, ” Just ask Priti Patel, when I turned up at the Home Office whilst en-guise as ex Bargain Hunt presenter Tim Wannocote recently”, the Secretary of State for Transported reminisced, “However preventing the spread of the most serious Viral Pandemic of our generation is not one of them, as much as I would like to parade around the deserted streets of London as Ralph McTell, whilst singing his popular beat hit from the 70’s”
The UK government’s social distancing guidelines do not mention face masks.
“Such a shame”, lamented Colin Collinson (54) owner of Barton Stacey’s leading emporium for jokes, japes and fun accessories ‘Montpelier Sneezes’, “I’ve got a twelve dozen multi-packs of ‘Radio 1 DJs from the 70’s’ outback at a very reasonable £12.99 each. I’ve even got that nonce from ‘It’s A Knockout’, yours for 14p. Cometh the hour, cometh facial cardboard representations of a selection of Yewtree convictions and suspects, is what I say. “