Boris Johnson has been accused of ‘running scared’ of an interview with the BBC’s Andrew Neil, after it emerged that he is the only party leader not to agree a date for the grilling.
A spokesperson for the Chinese laundry that dry cleans Boris Johnson’s suits, Foo Kin Ell, said in a perfectly normal accent and not as a racial stereotype, “Whether he does the interview or not, it’s already been bad news for us.”
Foo Kin Ell went on to add, “Despite his posh Eton education where they bang on about stiff upper lips and a coward dies a thousand times, a hero dies but once, Boris Johnson has a tendency to shit his pants when ‘frit.’ Just being asked to take part in an interview with Andrew Neil was a sure fire bowel-slackener for blubber-butt-Boris. His suit trousers have been delivered in the toxic waste van, and the girls on the pre-rinse & sanitation line have ditched their nose pegs in favour of full bio-hazard suits and breathing apparatus.”
The dry cleaning company owned by Foo Kin Ell has a contract with the Johnson family. “We’ve been cleaning his clobber for years,” bemoaned Foo, “Brown-trouser-Boris is always sending his shitty pants in to us. We grade the degree of soiling in Boris’ pants on a scale between one and ten, where one is a wet fart (a blurt as it is known in the industry) and ten, a full dump with follow through.”
The Chinese laundry entrepreneur then went on to recount instances in the past when Boris had sent his suit pants in to be cleaned that were slightly mucky or full to capacity (seat and both legs) with his bowel contents. These included:
- Gove’s back stab in Tory leadership campaign following Brexit vote – Scale 6 – Significant mess.
- Blonde bombshell and obvious shag Jennifer Arcuri’s enquiry announced – Scale 4- A bit stinky but not too bad.
- Andrew Neil interview request – Scale 100 – Tsunami of shit – Chernobyl code red! – building evacuated