Tennis fans have accused Meghan Markle of jinxing Serena Williams last night as she watched the tennis star lose and fail to secure an historic 24th Grand Slam at the US Open, just months after she attended Williams’ defeat at Wimbledon.
It seems Meghan has been cursed by a bitter and twisted spectral entity. Bookmakers William Hill are offering odds on the person responsible for fucking about with the upside down.
Her Dad: Evens
Duchess of Cambridge: 3/1
Her Half-Sister: 5/1
Dominic Cummings: 12/1
Venus Williams: 25/1
One Twitter user wrote: ‘Dear Meghan Markle please stop attending Serena’s finals matches. You are a jinx. Signed fans who are not her friends.’ Another said: ‘Meghan. Duchess. Love you so much. Really do. Are you a jinx though? Has she been at most of the losses?’
It was those tweets that ignited the interest of Liverpool FC owner John Henry. A massive fan of Moneyball stats, Henry was now fascinated by the prospect of a Royal bad luck charm. A previous experiment had seen him recruit: The bloke that sold 10% of Apple for $800, the Japanese fellow that was nuked twice and the poor woman who was hit by a meteorite. They were all given season tickets to a private box at Old Trafford… Five years ago. The new target is Manchester City.
However, Meghan watched Williams win at Wimbledon in 2016, when the athlete defended her title against Kerber – at the time the Duchess was rumoured to be dating Harry.
According to Satanic stats and spooky algorithms, Henry thinks the curse hit Meghan mid 2018. We asked him what his next move would be? ‘Well, without going into too much detail, I can tell you that both groups – Liverpool FC and the Royal House of Windsor are in negotiations for renting out Megan’s services for the last six months of the Premiership season. The only thing standing in our way is a higher bid from Donald Tusk – that fucker is ruthless.’