Lionesses ordered to lose to the USA – as per the terms of Trump’s proposed trade deal

Sport, UK Politics, World News

England’s women football team were told to lose their World Cup semi final tie against America in the hope of securing a lucrative trade deal.

Millions of viewers watched the thrilling match, which ended with the USA notching up a narrow 2-1 victory.

However, what the supporters didn’t realise was that Theresa May had sent the England squad a direct order to lose.

Mrs May was afraid kicking the Americans out of the World Cup would displease Donald Trump – who had explicitly said the UK must let the USA win at all sports from now until eternity if we want to secure a trade deal.

The Prime Minister commanded that if the nightmare scenario of England being awarded a penalty took place, the spot kick had to be missed at all costs. And she decreed if any English player looked likely to score in open play, they should immediately run into an offside position.

A Whitehall whistleblower said: “Basically I’m afraid the Lionesses were told to lie and think of England.

“Any footballer disobeying the orders would have been immediately sent to the Tower of London, so even if the team got through to the final they couldn’t have been selected to play.”

The whistleblower said Mrs May was deeply concerned about President Trump’s temperament, particularly his ability to take offence at the slightest opportunity.

“If England had beaten America there’s no telling what he might have done. It could have been worse than him finding out the UK ambassador basically thinks he’s an idiot.”

And England’s match fixing shame didn’t end at the semi finals. It has transpired that the team were also ordered to lose their third place play off against Sweden.

The game finished 2-1 to the Scandinavians.

The whistleblower said: “The order for that one came from Boris Johnson. He was afraid that if we beat the Swedes they’d retaliate by stopping exports of the speciality porn that he’s so fond of.”

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