A reallocation of council funding could redirect hundreds of millions of pounds from so-called left-behind communities in the north of England to the leafy southern shires
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Sir David Attenborough says Parliament is ‘basically usesless’
January 27, 2020Sir David Attenborough has said Parliament is ‘basically useless’. He told the first Citizens’ Assembly that having a five-year fixed parliament is not good for long term planning to save the planet.
Queen gives Prince William new title of ‘Favourite Grandson’
January 27, 2020In a statement The Queen said, ‘Henceforth, the talented and handsome Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, second heir to the throne, dedicated air ambulance pilot and all round top bloke, will be known as “Favourite Grandson” and will be entitled to wealth and riches worthy of someone who isn’t a turncoat and a traitor to his royal roots.’
Chancellor unveils commemorative Brexit font for 50p bank transfers
January 27, 2020Sajid Javid has unveiled the new commemorative 50p coin to mark Britain’s departure from the EU on 31 January. He has also unveiled the new commemorative font to be used by banking apps for 50p transfers.
Devious EU bastards sign Brexit agreement “Mickey la Souris”
January 25, 2020Boris Johnson has signed the Brexit withdrawal agreement in Downing Street. Only to find that the devious EU bastards had earlier signed it off using the moniker ‘Mickey la Souris’.
Everyone stands down after compulsive bullshitter Matt Hancock says there’s ‘increased likelihood’ the coronavirus will get to UK
January 25, 2020Health Secretary Matt Hancock says there is an ‘increased likelihood’ of the virus reaching the UK. Everyone who’s been worried about the coronavirus is much more relaxed after the idiot’s idiot made the comment, as he’s never said anything correct in his life.
Britain First to patrol British beaches with Dettol to stop foreign Coronavirus invading the country.
January 25, 2020Health Secretary Matt Hancock has said that the risk of the Chinese Coronavirus entering the UK ‘remains low’. Fascist political organisation Britain First have ignored these reports, and said they are not taking any chances with a ‘foreign’ virus entering the country. Members of the party have been patrolling the coastlines of the country, armed with dettol wipes, spray bottles of cif, and water pistols full of Cillit bang.
New HS2 route to go from Euston station to just outside Euston station
January 25, 2020The government’s spending watchdog has claimed that no-one took full account of how complex and risky the HS2 high-speed rail project was likely to be. As a result, in order to significantly reduce costs, the HS2 route will now run from Euston station to just outside Euston station
Trump rolls back water pollution controls after accidentally shitting in a river
January 24, 2020The Trump administration is set to scrap pollution protections for America’s streams and wetlands, after the president accidentally shat in a river.
Queen misses annual WI meeting as she ‘can’t be arsed’
January 24, 2020The Queen has missed her annual date with her local Women’s Institute. The monarch sent a message to the WI Whatsapp group saying she ‘couldn’t be arsed’ this year.
