Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his fiancee Carrie Symonds have announced the birth of a son. And the first senior Tory to public congratulate them was Priti Patel. The Wicked Witch of the Home Office extended said the birth of ‘his seventeentytooth child’ must be a proud moment for the PM.
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Scottish govt suggests covering face in public. With a massive ginger beard.
April 29, 2020Nicola Sturgeon said there may be ‘some benefit’ in having your face covered in places where social distancing is difficult. And the First Minister recommended a ‘massive ginger beard’ that’s as thick and impenetrable as the enchanted forest that grew up around Sleeping Beauty’s castle.
Aliens ready to take over the World if lockdown continues
April 29, 2020If we aren’t going to use the Earth they feel that it’s their turn. They are more alike to squatters than murderers with anal probes. In fact the alien made it very clear he would keep his distance from our anuses.
“Bring back National Service” says man far too old to be affected
April 28, 2020Historian Sir Hew Strachan has called for National Service to be re-introduced in a special MoD Commissioned Report. The professor argues that reintroducing National Service will provide a much-needed connection between the military and the general public, especially as he is now too old to be considered himself and has enjoyed an entire adult life without fear of being conscripted.
Boris ‘raring to go’ on Monday. UK says it ‘looks forward’ to him leaving too.
April 26, 2020Boris Johnson has said that he is now sufficiently recovered from Covid-19 and ‘raring to go’ on Monday. The UK has welcomed the news and said it looks forward to him going on Monday.
We’re Going On A Beer Hunt
April 25, 2020We’re going on a Beer Hunt its going to be a long one It’s going to be a great day.. we’re not pissed as we’re missing our five pints a day. Uh Oh a Pub by a canal a great big Pub That used to sell ale and wholesome grub Now it’s a Lockdown instead […]
Trump suggests all problems will go away by injecting heroin directly into body
April 25, 2020Donald Trump suggested everyone use disinfectant to rid themselves of coronavirus. The self-styled ‘President’ has also suggested that all humanity’s problems will go away if they simply inject heroin directly into the body.
UK reaches peak Dominic Raab exposure amid Corona Crisis
April 23, 2020Experts are also hopeful that daily exposure rates to Dominic Raab will also now begin to fall. Regular TV viewer John Timms was quoted as saying “I remember when he was just that embarrassing fall-guy who screwed up Brexit negotiations.”
Trump finally vows to take Coronavirus seriously as price of US oil plummets
April 21, 2020The price of US oil has turned negative for the first time in history. Causing Donald Trump to finally take Coronavirus seriously.
Government donates Theresa May for use in coronavirus vaccine experiments
April 21, 2020Former prime minister Theresa May has been handed over to scientific research as part of the battle to defeat Covid-19. The selfless gesture was made by the Conservative Party as it desperately tries to actually achieve something useful in the fight against the global pandemic.
