ITV is to offer this year’s Love Island contestants eight therapy sessions when they return home from the show. The series of eight therapy sessions could be extended depending on ITV2’s viewing figures after broadcasting them. ITV will also be offering therapy sessions to Love Island viewers. Viewers will be encouraged to call a special […]
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Andrea Leadsom resigns. “Oh, THAT’s how you do it!” says Theresa May. “It’s that easy?!”
May 23, 2019Mrs Leadsom resigned because she said the new Brexit plan has, “elements I cannot support, that aren’t Brexit.” The PM appeared puzzled by this until senior advisors explained that for some people, acting in a way at odds with their fundamental beliefs about democracy causes them to feel uncomfortable, and then they take action for example, resigning their political position.
1922 Committee to force feed Theresa May prunes. Well something has to make her go.
May 23, 2019The Conservative 1922 Committee met on Wednesday to discuss the future of Theresa May as pressure grows on the PM to stand down. After much discussion committee chair, Graham Brady announced plans to feed Mrs May huge amounts of prunes and, if necessary, to force feed her as ‘something has to make her go.’
The News Dump’s European Election Rolling Coverage
May 23, 2019As the country casts their votes to select MEPs who we assume will all be out of a job come November – the UK’s main news outlets are legally obliged to maintain a media blackout – they won’t report any election news until the ballots are closed. The same rules don’t apply to made-up-news – so we’re here to fill that gap.
Extinction Rebellion open their arms to Tory MEPs – who polls suggest are on the brink of extinction themselves.
May 23, 2019By Wednesday, polling predicted the Conservative’s share of the vote could plummet to 2%. The equivalent of the species being down to its last breeding pair.
EE to launch first 5G No Reception service in UK
May 23, 2019The telecommunications giant is to be the first provider to launch a 5G service with absolutely no reception before the end of the month – keeping in line with their policy of very limited service for customers.
Jean Claude Juncker angrily denies rumours: “I have absolutely no problem with alcohol. I bloody love it!”
May 22, 2019“Yeah, OK I’ve slapped the odd politician and pinched a few arses but they know what I’m like when I’ve had a few, and the press keep on saying I’ve got a problem.”, he stated.
Laptop for sale infected with world’s most dangerous malware – the Brexit Party manifesto
May 22, 2019A laptop infected with six of the most dangerous viruses and malware that have caused around $95bn (£74bn) of damage has been put up for auction. It is said to contain the fabled Brexit Party manifesto. A document so disruptive, it has never been seen in printed form.
Government to hold fourth vote, on why we can’t have a second
May 22, 2019The prime minister will outline changes to the Withdrawal Agreement Bill – including a promise to give MPs a vote on holding another referendum. Provided such a vote will be preceded by a number of “Indicative Votes” , the United Kingdom winning the Eurovision Song Contest in 2020, England winning the World Cup in 2022 and a total eclipse of the sun being visible from Westminster.
Bill Murray to star as Prime Minster in ‘Groundhog May’
May 22, 2019Mr Murray admitted he has reservations, “Even though I’m the go-to person for a film where things repeat again and again, I’m still finding the constant return of this Withdrawal Bill tedious to the point of watching a Dan Ackroyd film.
