“I would have thought the only people Cameron would be talking to would be a bottle of single malt, the business end of a shotgun and whoever he paid to ghost write his suicide note” said everyone, everywhere.
Latest News
Cameron Memoir: Boris WAS the pig’s head
September 14, 2019It’s unclear how many other members of the Bullingdon Club ‘received’ Mr Cameron’s apparatus over the years, but according to his memoirs, the moment Boris got his chops around it was memorable for all the wrong reasons.
John Bercow threatens to “kick the utter shit” out of Johnson if he disobeys Brexit law.
September 14, 2019John Bercow has said that he would stop Boris Johnson from breaking the law if he tried. “If he tried to break the law, I would, in layman’s terms, kick the utter shit out of him.”
Set-Your-Own-Salary schemes take off. House of Commons cleaners now earn 200k per annum
September 14, 2019Where 25-year-old Cecilia Manduca works there is a “pay self-assessment process”. Put simply, the workers there decide how much they are worth and should be paid. The House of Commons also introduced this system six months ago and there is now a ninety-year waiting list for jobs. Cleaner Anna Moldova, who had been on ten-pounds per hour, currently earns 200k per annum.
Yellowhammer documents reveal plague of locusts to besiege UK in ‘reasonable worst case scenario’
September 14, 2019The Yellowhammer documents reveal that 10 plagues will be set upon the UK ‘in a reasonable worst case scenario’ for no-deal Brexit, including locusts, boils and much higher taxation for the impoverished.
Tommy Robinson release ‘will revitalise UK dairy industry’ say farmers
September 14, 2019The former EDL Leader was hit by milkshakes twice in two days while on the campaign trail in the north of England. “They were halcyon days, they were” said Farmers’ spokesperson, Roy Buttercup.
Queen denies lying to PM about The Tower of London
September 14, 2019Boris Johnson has denied lying to the Queen over the advice he gave her over the five-week suspension of Parliament. Similarly, the Queen has denied lying to the PM about the operational status of The Tower of London.
Fourteen cancers caught crossing the channel from France in the hope of a longer life in UK
September 13, 2019UK coastguards have today announced that they have intercepted a number of cancers attempting to cross the channel in search of a ‘better and longer life’ in the United Kingdom. It follows this morning’s news that the UK is lagging behind its continental counterparts when it comes to patient survival rates.
Boris Johnson to build a bridge from Scotland to Ireland with bones of the post-Brexit dead.
September 13, 2019He believes that those who will perish due to medicine and food shortages will be honoured, as their bones are laid end to end in a giant skeletal overpass.
Concept of “Needing Food” dismissed as “Remoaner scaremongering” as Brexiteers call for adoption of WTO dieting
September 13, 2019“To even suggest the human body just ‘stops’ working without food is just the latest in an increasingly desperate series of lies foisted on the Great British public. And for what? I’ll tell you what. So a group of un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels can cling to the idea that food easily gaining entry in the UK without punishingly inefficient border checks is somehow a good idea.”
