Number 10 insider John Timms claimed that to deter immigration they’d worn their heart on their sleeve by electing Boris Johnson “We want moving to the UK to make as much sense as investing in a balloon animal stall managed by Edward Scissorhands.”
Latest News
Tories to offer free cocaine to every household in Britain
November 15, 2019The Labour party rocked the General Election campaign last night by announcing it would provide all households in the UK with internet broadband without charge. This morning the Conservatives have quickly struck back by declaring its drawing up plans to give everyone free cocaine.
Tories to ensure 50% less immigration by sawing immigrants in half!
November 15, 2019The blues have come up with a rather novel approach to immigration. All immigrants are to be sawn in half on arrival in the UK thus halving immigration. This has immediately been criticised by the right as it will double the number of immigrants. But the Conservative centre allay these fears by pointing out that sawing in half is, in most cases, fatal.
Hospital waiting times hit record levels, as staff have to make the daily commute from Europe.
November 15, 2019Many trained professionals in the NHS have left Britain during the past 3 years of Brexit discussions, due to bigotry, deportation, or a general fear for the ‘moral fly tipping site’ the country has become. These foreign staff are still employed by the NHS however, much to the Conservative party’s smouldering outrage, and as such make the commute from their respective home countries.
Tory Christmas Election Ad features excitable PM, welcomed in even though he’s fucked up EVERYTHING.
November 15, 2019The Conservative Party is turning to John Lewis for inspiration as it attempts gain the upper hand in the race to win the General Election.
“She’ll just get pissed and do her ‘horrible anus’ joke again” Harry tells Meghan, as they make other plans
November 14, 2019Britain woke this morning to the agonising news that Prince Harry and Meghan MIGHT NOT spend Christmas at Sandringham with the queen.
Tories eschewing actual policies in favour of loudly shouting ‘Labour will destroy the economy!’
November 14, 2019Labour have announced they will spend more on the NHS than the Tories if they come to power. The Conservative Party have retorted by deciding that there is no point giving the British public any actual policies, in favour of screaming ‘Labour will destroy the economy!’ in citizens’ faces instead.
Johnson and Farage told to form uneasy alliance by Trump, who was told by Putin.
November 14, 2019Many political commentators are speculating the two men reached a confidential agreement between themselves after being ordered to do so by Donald Trump. However, it’s transpired Mr Trump was only a cog in the overall chain.
I’m A Celeb stars gear up for weeks of being fed bollocks. Just like the rest of the nation.
November 14, 2019The stars, including former footballer Ian Wright and reality TV personality Caitlyn Jenner say they’ve fully prepared themselves for a few weeks of monotony and being fed bollocks. A sentiment echoed by the entire UK as it gears up for 87th general election this decade.
McDonald’s staff protest at being paid less than Ronald
November 13, 2019McDonald’s staff took to the streets in London over protest over pay. It is believed that they are protesting against being paid less than Ronald.
