Medical experts confirmed Dominic Cumming, the architect of the current political catastrofuck, is in fact, self-isolating, after developing symptoms of becoming a total cunt.
Latest News
Lockdown: dog tells his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space’
March 30, 2020The UK remains in lockdown and many people haven’t left their homes for over a week. And one dog in Dorking has asked his owner to ‘bugger off and give me some space.’
Fucking govt finally fucking realise that making NHS staff pay to go to work is fucking bollocks
March 29, 2020NHS and social care staff will be given free car parking during the Coronavirus outbreak. The news comes after 400,000 people signed a petition urging the government to thank NHS workers by scrapping charges. And not because the fucking government actually give a shit about the people that are at the forefront of the fight against Coronavirus.
[Cough] I say to you, [cough] the British Public.. [cough], oh Fuck it sort it out yourselves…
March 28, 2020The Prime Minister says he had experienced mild symptoms over the past 24 hours, including a temperature and cough, but would continue to lead the government.
Priti Patel keeps Coronavirus at bay by taking it’s dinner money and then giving it a wedgie
March 28, 2020Health secretary Matt Hancock has tested positive for coronavirus. However, fears that other members of the cabinet may fall victim to the pandemic have been eased by Home Secretary Priti Patel bullying the virus as she took it’s dinner money, before giving it a wedgie.
Coronavirus symptoms now confirmed to manifest in Arseholes
March 28, 2020Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. This has led the nation’s scientists to confirm that coronavirus symptoms can now infect more body parts than previously thought. Symptoms can be found primarily in the chest and lungs, but this is now proof that symptoms can also manifest in arseholes, no matter the size.
Johnson urges everyone to remain in fridge after testing positive for Corona Virus
March 28, 2020After testing positive for Corona virus, Boris Johnson urged people to heed advice to self-isolate. Ideally from a well equipped Smeg fridge. “I’ve always found the 6 by 3 foot Smeg to be a space of great comfort whenever Andrew Neill is in the area or whenever Cummings is in one of his ‘bitey’ moods. I’d say it’s ideal for riding out this emergency.”
PM receives millions of “Get Well Soon” cards as Nation realises Raab could take over
March 27, 2020Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. And the Nation’s mood quickly changed from shock to fear as they realised that the person designated to take over from Mr Johnson is non-other than Dominic Raab.
Dominic Raab training like he’s in the Rocky montage
March 27, 2020Boris Johnson has tested positive for Covid-19. As such, ‘Designated Survivor’, Dominic Raab, has been training like he’s Rocky in that montage that everyone knows. You know, the one with the ‘dada daaaaaaa, dada daaaaaaaa’ music.
PM rejects EU offer of ventilators because he’s a massive bellend
March 27, 2020Boris Johnson has been accused of putting ‘Brexit before breathing’ after refusing the offer to take part in an EU scheme to get extra ventilators during the coronavirus outbreak. The news confirms what we were all thinking anyway; that the PM is a massive bellend.
