MPs will vote on the UK’s Brexit deal in the week beginning 14 January, Theresa May has told Parliament.
The Prime Minister is hoping to take advantage of the abject misery of January by taking a tub of Celebrations into the Commons in a bid to win votes.
The carefully planned strategy – the formulation of which has taken up most of the PM’s time over the past month – is for Mrs May to enter the House smiling and saying “Help yourself to a choccie everyone.” Members will then consider her “Not a bad sort after all” and support her shitty deal.
However, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn said he would table a motion of no confidence in the PM for delaying the vote.
Corbyn is confident of bringing down the Prime Minister given his extensive experience of weak leadership.
A Labour insider said, “Jeremy can sense a fellow invertebrate a mile away. He made this announcement after hearing that Mrs May had postponed the wrapping of her Christmas presents for fear of losing the end of the sellotape.
“It’s time for him to pounce on this weakness like a small kitten savaging a piece of string.”
The motion, which is likely to be tabled on Tuesday, will increase pressure on the prime minister.
Theresa May is now under so much pressure that when she finally leaves office she’ll probably get the bends.
The SNP’s Ian Blackford said the government was a “laughing stock.”
This wasn’t the only insightful observation he made; he also pointed out that the Prime Minister was “a woman” and that the sea was “wet.”
Calls for another referendum have grown in recent weeks amid signs a majority of MPs are opposed both to the deal on the table but also leaving the EU without any kind of agreement.
With no solution in sight David Cameron has been advising the Prime Minister on possible next steps. “Well, what a pickle!” he’s reported to have said. “How on earth did this happen?”