The Shadow Foreign Secretary, Emily Thornberry, has written to the government with questions about Dominic Cummings’ connections to Russia and the levels of security vetting to which he has been subjected to in Downing Street after an official-level whistleblower raised serious concerns.
“Who knows where Cummings’ loyalties lie, and what classified information the baldy Bolshevik is handing over. The thought of having Tory Russian sympathisers in No.10, the very heart of British government, is abhorrent to me!” spat out Thornberry to a hastily assembled pack of drunken journalists in a bus shelter near Southside, “This is exclusively the domain of Labour Russian sympathisers. We want to get this election over so we can throw out fifth column Tory ‘Trots’ like Cummings, and put our own fifth column ‘Trot,’ Jeremy Corbyn in. Then at least we’ll know what classified information Jeremy is slipping across to Putin.”
Cummings, the divisive senior adviser to the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, spent three years in Russia from 1994 to 1997 after he graduated from Oxford University.
It has long been suspected by the Labour party and other political observers that if you unscrew Cummings’ head there would be a slightly smaller Cummings inside. Further, if you unscrewed that Cummings’ head you’d find… etc. etc.
Also, it is a matter of record that Cummings’ favourite tune is the 1962 hit by Kenny Ball and the Jazzmen, ‘Midnight in Moscow.’
“He whistles it in the lift all the time,” confessed Amber Rudd as she packed a cardboard box with her personal effects at her office at St. Leonards-on-Sea, “That’s one of the reasons I jacked it in as a minister, Cummings’ bloody incessant whistling. It was driving me round the pipe.”
It has also long been suspected by political pundits that if you stuck two horns on Cummings’ baldy bonce he’d look surprisingly like Beelzebub.
When approached for a comment, Cummings, with a devilish glint in his eye, said, “Fuck off and rot… and you can quote me on that, comrade!”