Labour blocks MP from standing for the party – because he looks too much like a Tortoise.

UK Politics
Labour blocks MP from standing for the party - because he looks too much like a Tortoise

Labour has blocked the left wing campaigner Chris Williamson from standing as a candidate for the party in the election after he was suspended over accusations he had downplayed anti-Semitism. The ruling NEC also refused to endorse Stephen Hepburn who was kicked out of the party for sexual harassment.

But when questioned as to whether or not  ex MPs and loyal party members shouldn’t be given a second chance, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott said, “… my constituents (zzz).”

Fortunately, the press pack was able to find a spokesperson who was awake, Chair of the NEC, Wendy Nichols.

“Both these men have brought the party into disrepute, one for being overtly racist and the other for being cock-happy,” said Nichols.

However, the ‘NEC vote fiddler’ flushed crimson as she spoke, so was pressed harder for the truth.

“Okay,” said Nichols, yielding to pressure and the promise of a skinny Frappuccino with sprinkles, “The truth is they’re both as ugly as sin, and we’re trying to weed out all the ‘butt-uglies’ (those in the party that fail to pass Labour’s new ‘ornaments to society’ test criteria).”

The left-winger then added, “Williamson looks like a tortoise, for fuck’s sake, and don’t even get me started on Mr. fucking potato head!”

John McDonnell commented, “Beauty is relevant, and isn’t just a matter of symmetry of the facial features, you know. It’s more than that. It’s whether or not an MP’s fizzog can pull in the votes. I’m very good looking. But there are others in our party who are so fucking ugly you have to be over 18 to look at them. We have to rid the party of these arse-faces if we stand any chance of winning a majority.”

When asked if he had any specific Labour candidates in mind, McDonnell sighed and, glancing over at ‘snorin’ Diane Abbott, said, “where do I start?”

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