The Kremlin has announced that Vladimir Putin will meet Kim Jong Un later this month.
Following the news a North Korean spokesman said numerous reports have been received of an orange man with candy floss on his head being seen in Pyongyang carrying a saucepan, and advised bunnies to be on high alert.
No further details were given about the meeting between Kim and Putin, who are not believed to have ever met each other.
Although they’ve been messaging each other over Tinder for months and are believed to have exchanged images.
Privately Kim told colleagues that he ended it with Donald Trump as the president is ‘frigid and not very experimental’. And he’s been keen to meet Putin since seeing a video of the Russian president having a naked wrestle with a bear on Youtube.
The announcement came just hours after North Korea’s foreign ministry called for US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to be replaced in any further negotiations between the two countries.
Trump immediately put himself at the front of the queue, saying he’s been waiting for a chance to wear the ‘slinky black number’ he bought recently from Love Honey.
But after Kim told him to ‘talk to the hand’, he ordered Airforce One to fly him to Pyongyang where, upon landing, he slipped his lead. Trump’s handler said he’s ‘increasingly concerned’ as the president cannot survive on his own for more than two hours. ‘Last time he escaped, we found him on the Mexican border trying to build a wall out of marshmallow and pasta.’ He told reporters. ‘And this time he’s a man scorned.’
Kim has kicked a family of ten out of their home and made it into a safe house for his pet rabbit, Mr Bobbles, who was created from shards of rainbow and presented to Kim on his first birthday. Kim said he cannot bear the thought of losing his lifelong pet who he said has magical powers and ‘reinvents himself as a baby every few years.’
The announcement of his meeting with Putin comes hot on the heels of reports that Kim ‘inspected and directed a new tactical guided weapons firing test.’ Kim is excited about the new weapon which he plans to use to shower his Russian counterpart with glitter when as he alights his plane.