King’s College Hospital in Denmark Hill, south London has confirmed that there are bed bugs on their postnatal ward.
Bosses have defended the news saying, ‘bed bugs are incredibly hard workers – and they accept less than minimum wage – making them the perfect post-Brexit solution.’
A spokesperson said women were still being admitted to the ward,
but warned of delays as some of the bugs are finding it difficult to get to grips with even the most basic admin tasks.
One midwife told us the bugs are ‘itching to get to work’ but that their inability to admit mothers-to-be led to staff ‘just scratching around.’
The hospital said women being discharged from the unit were being given ‘advice and guidance’
First time mum, Sally, said the bug she spoke to was most helpful and had done more for her health and wellbeing during their brief chat than Jeremy Hunt had in his 2000 year stint as health secretary.
Current Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, described the decision to employ bed bugs as ‘an innovative forward thinking project.’ He rejected suggestions they may be harmful saying he’s ‘been working alongside parasites for years’ and it’s not done him any harm.
The presence of bed bugs is often apparent by small spots of blood or brown marks on the sheets.
But due to NHS cutbacks they no longer employ cleaners so those marks on the sheet might just be a cocktail of festering bodily fluids.