North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un will visit Russia, according to the press secretary of the Russian President.
Despite travelling to Vietnam for his summit with President Trump on a 66 hour train journey, Kim is set to travel to meet the real U.S. President, Vladimir Putin, by different means – on the back of a nuclear missile. However, it has been reported that North Korean missiles can only reach the range of roughly 120 yards, discovered after a 5-iron sent a golf ball flying past the missile’s landing point. The Supreme Commander will therefore take an Uber for the remaining 4,000 miles.
“Such a visit is on the agenda” said press secretary Dmitry Peskov. “We hope that the precise date and venue will be determined in the foreseeable future”.
Having missed out on the perfect date for the proposed visit, the 14th February, the new lovers are hoping to secure the Moscow hotel room of the infamous Trump pee-pee tape, using a ‘40% off’ Groupon voucher for the privilege. Luckily for the leaders, the Russian prostitutes will be free as Mr Putin has already collected enough stamps on his loyalty card.
The announcement came following the breakdown of talks between Kim and U.S. President Donald Trump.
Placeholder president for Putin, Donald Trump, reportedly ended his summit with Kim early due to the testimony of former lawyer, Michael Cohen. When asked if he was jealous about his two ex’s hooking up, Mr Trump had this to say, “We’re not together anymore, Kim can do what he wants. I hope they have a tremendous life together, but he better not call me in tears at 2am when Vladimir breaks his heart. I’m done with them; I don’t need either of them. Well, actually I might need Putin for 2020, but I don’t need Kim!”.
On Monday, Russia media reported members of a parliamentary group will visit Pyongyang on April 12.
With Donald Trump wrapped up in the Michael Cohen testimony, it has been said that Vladimir Putin is about to get caught up in his own scandal, as the horse he rode shirtless in the Russian countryside is suing him for defamation. When asked if she had learnt English from watching votes in the House of Commons, the horse simply replied “Neigh”.