Johnson’s unexpected poll boosts coincided with sightings of shadowy figures pouring mystery vials into drinking reservoirs

UK Politics
Johnson's poll boosts correspond with sightings of shadowy figures pouring mystery vials into drinking reservoirs

Boris Johnson has received a boost in the polls despite suffering three major Parliamentary defeats and facing widespread criticism over the sacking of 21 Tory rebels.

In a week where Johnson single-handedly discredited the fundamental notion of meritocracy, his approval rating seemed to rise in some polls. Curiously, there have been a number of sightings of clandestine, hooded figures pouring insidious looking liquids into local reservoirs.

When approached for comment by a normal member of the public John Timms, the men responded “This? Oh, it’s just a water sanitiser, it combats water-bourne bacteria.”

However, when the surprisingly well informed civilian pointed out that all such chemicals are applied at filtration plants the hooded figure responded “Son, I wish you hadn’t said that.” whilst slowly affixing a silencer to a pistol.

Timms has subsequently been unavailable for comment.

There’s also been a significant number of sightings outside the offices of the Telegraph whose recent articles have repeatedly claimed each successive defeat in parliament for Johnson was a massive embarrassment for Jeremy Corbyn. It is understood concerned members of the public have contacted emergency services to report dozens of suspected head injuries within the building as the Telegraph editorial team was clearly operated in a confused and concussed state.

In a fully catered press briefing the prime minister was quoted as saying “We’ve yet to find credible evidence of a sustained campaign of mind-altering chemicals being introduced into the population at large.”

“Now everyone drink up.”

He continued “To suggest otherwise would be fear-mongering.

“Down the hatch everyone.”

When asked about the inverse relationship between his polling data and his performance, Johnson warmly handed a glass of water to the journalist “I’m sorry, I couldn’t make that out, you’re sounding a little raspy, take a sip and try again.”

The now smiling journalist retracted his question after quaffing heartily and began to applaud his glorious leader

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