BORIS JOHNSON is planning to flood the House of Lords with dozens of “Brexit heroes” in an attempt to wipe out the overwhelming pro-Brussels majority in the upper house
Although it’s understood both Spiderman and Ironman will refuse the prestigious title on account of wishing to remain bi-partisan, several party donors and vocal Brexit supporters will receive the honour.
Wetherspoons boss and potential future peer Tim Martin was quoted as saying “It’s great the term ‘hero’ will now be synonymous with lifesaving first-responders, firemen in harms’ way and spunk-haired hypocrites like me who employ over 3500 EU nationals in my pubs whilst incoherently demanding a hard brexit.”
Johnson believes the current makeup of the House of Lords is out of step with millions of ordinary voters.
An aide to the Prime Minister was quoted as saying “The primary goal is relatability to ordinary voters; this in mind, it is understood that Johnson will be granting peerages to ‘everyman’ hedge-fund managers, ‘just an average bloke’ millionaires and ‘salt of the earth’ business magnates.”
“These are people you could just imagine shooting the shit with around the office, even if they will now insist on being addressed as ‘Lord’ by the plebs.”
When quizzed about whether the definition of “hero” had, in this instance, been confused with “being rich” Johnson responded “Look, if that’s your only concern with how I’ve handled Brexit up to this point then… have a peerage, you beautiful, beautiful cretin.”