Johnson assures Patel that he ‘adores her lovely, big smile’

UK Politics
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Boris Johnson has today assured Home Secretary Priti Patel that she has little to fear from the investigation into claims that she bullied staff, as he strives to maintain an element of tokenism within the cabinet.

Mr Johnson stated that it is ‘unthinkable’ that he loses another brown person, following the recent resignation of former Chancellor, Sajid Javid.

It comes amid claims from Sir Philip Rutnam, the Home Office’s most senior official, that he was bullied into resigning from his post last week, following a ‘vicious and orchestrated campaign’ against him.

“I’m often accused of being racist,” said the PM, speaking outside of Number 10 this morning, “and this will prove once and for all that this is absolutely untrue. I am not a racist; I simply enjoy saying and doing racist things. Sacking brown people will not be tolerated in my cabinet. It would amount to professional suicide.”

“This is a balanced government and is representative of the people that we serve. I think that we’ve got a couple of Welshies and the equality thing is covered by keeping Michael Gove in there and letting him sharpen the pencils. We are down to a mere 14 rich, middle-aged white men.”

“Out of 22 cabinet members, we have only got three brown ones – and that includes the one who replaced the Chancellor.”

“Additionally, we must remember that, as well as being brown, Priti is one of my six fillies, so she ticks a couple of boxes and I am well aware of this. So sacking her would leave us looking to find another intelligent brown girl at short notice. Given the threat of the coronavirus, we simply haven’t got the funds to source one quickly.”

“And to be absolutely clear to the gutter press, before the digging starts, this has nothing to do with any affair or favouritism. I have not shagged her.”

He then turned back towards the famous black door, before appearing to point to a watching Jacob Rees-Mogg, squeeze his groin and laughingly mouth “yet”, fuelling rumours that he believes that a brown Johnson would do wonders for his career.

 

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