New Zealand based scientists have today revealed that DNA analysis of the water in Loch Ness has indicated that ‘Nessie’ may in fact be a giant eel.
However, despite much of the tat sold around the legend depicting the monster wearing a kilt and sporran, it turns out that it would be more appropriate to show it wearing sunglasses and budgie-smugglers.
Juvenile eels, which have migrated 5000 kilometres from waters around the Bahamas, arrive in the Loch and lay eggs,
meaning that Nessie is almost certainly a second-generation illegal immigrant.
Boris Johnson broke away from making himself look like a haemorrhoid hanging from the arsehole of Parliament today, to clarify the situation.
“If it turns out that the Loch Ness monster is indeed an illegal alien, then it will be dealt with as such and be given no special dispensation. You know what we think of that lot around here.”
He went on to say that Nessie would be held in a detention centre near Dover, before being shipped back to the Bahamas in a pipe.
Having been discovered, the monster spoke exclusively to The News Dump this afternoon, claiming that he would never vote Tory again.
“It is absolutely disgusting, I get a cut of all of the shit that they sell around here with my name on it. I am an out and out Capitalist, but they won’t be getting my vote anymore, by Christ they won’t.”
“I’ll be voting for Sturgeon, she started off here in the same lake as me, I’ve known her since she was caviar. She can see my true worth as a star. Those foreign bloody scientists can just Fuck Off, the lot of them, ruining my frigging mystique. Fucking Aussies or whatever the fuck they were.”
In the hope that the SNP agrees to form a coalition with him following a General Election, Jeremy Corbyn has since announced that ‘a vote for Labour is a vote for Nessie’,