Jail for smuggler caught with eggs strapped to chest. He was placed under a nest.

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A prolific smuggler caught entering the UK with protected birds’ eggs hidden on his person has been jailed for over three years.

Jeffrey Lendrum, 56, was placed under a nest. And therefore had the perfect opportunity to obtain rare eggs.

When asked by customs officials why he had vulture and hawk eggs strapped to his chest Lendrum simply explained that they “were far too big to get up my arse.”

The court heard that Jeffrey Lendrum has a long history of egg smuggling.

He started with gateway eggs in the early eighties – first working as a frogspawn mule before graduating to harder stuff like the notorious Lincolnshire ‘double yolker.’

After several years in the employment of a Colombian egg cartel Lendrum went into business on his own, selling illegal produce through a shell company.

Nothing could stop him. He shrugged off an Emperor penguin hatching in his duodenum as an occupational hazard.

Lendrum was jailed for 18 months in 2010 after he was caught at Birmingham airport with egg boxes strapped to his chest.

After nearly 30 years with seemingly free range of the oological underworld Lendrum’s luck finally ran out.

When he was hit by a vomiting bug on the inbound flight Jeffrey was examined by the airport doctor. Suspicion was raised when no heartbeat could be detected – the egg box soundproofing was just too good.

It was the key which allowed the vice squad to finally crack the case.

Police have described him as “the highest level of wildlife criminal”.

Higher even than tortoise baiters, pig launderers and those Welsh hill farmers who really, really like sheep.

Lendrum has now been sentenced to 37 months in jail.

Or as he likes to think of it, “three dozen and one for luck.”

Jeffrey was last seen in the prison canteen stuffing an omelette down his pants.

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