In Xmas tradition, Santa Claus has awarded those who are nice with presents, while the naughty have been punished with lumps of coal.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, a man who has transcended the concept of ‘naughty’ into being outright ‘ghoulish’ has been rewarded a mountain of coal from Saint Nick.
The current haul he received has been estimated to be around 32 tonnes, and he is still receiving daily deliveries from the North Pole, as Santa could not conceivably carry it all in one trip.
It seems that Rees-Mogg’s coal baiting behaviour was deliberate, as he is now using this moutain of fuel to power an anti-labour death ray he has installed on the roof of Westminster. The ray will be aimed at various labour establishments across London, along with any large group of protesters, who will be evaporated into piles of dust by a concentrated blast of Conservative power.
Santa is apparently outraged at this manipulation of the karmic reward system, and is planning to overhaul the entire process, so that physical criticisms of poor behaviour can not be used to power heated death cannons.
Rees-Mogg is unperturbed by this news, and is hoping to form a trade deal with the Christmas figure in order to receive monthly deliveries of coal for not only his death ray, but also his workhouses and fleet of air choking automobiles.