Jacob Rees-Mogg gets an extra month off because nanny says he works too hard

UK Politics
Parliament approves Jacob Rees-Mogg’s request to replace parliamentary benches with chaises longues

Jacob Rees-Mogg announced a timetable for the Commons with 20 more recess weekdays compared to 2019.

The timetable was suggested by the Leader of the House of Commons’ nanny, who’d been rather disconcerted by how tired Jacob was becoming during all the Brexit nonsense, commenting: “Jacob was falling asleep in parliament without being sung to. He was so very tired he barely conceived any offspring at all during 2019.”

The extra non-sitting days are about a month’s extra time away from Westminster. The summer break will be seven weeks, or 34 working days, seven days longer than last year.

Also, parliament welcomed new members to the benches recently from the general election. A large number being Conservative freshers destined to undergo highly unethical and borderline illegal initiation rites, additional to the humiliation of being forced to wear a big blue rosette in public. The initiations require the candidates to be in London, yet not sitting. And also fairly close to a butcher’s basement. More days lost.

MPs will get more than three weeks away for party conference season in September too. Christmas recess has yet to be announced.

The government also plans to implement extra Britain-themed bank holidays to force the nation to further participate in Brexit, such as: Empire Day, Agincourt Tuesday, World Cup ‘66 Day (England only), and Harry Potter Half-Day Wednesday. Yet more days lost.

A government spokesperson added: “We set out the ambitious legislative agenda in the Queen’s Speech in December. Since then we have already worked at pace to introduce 10 bills that deliver on the people’s priorities.”

Double-breasted Dickensian dandy, Jacob, added: “One has been inundated so profusely with legislature to pass on for someone else to interpret, one cannot find time to dredge one’s moat.

“And now, thanks solely to ourselves in the Conservative party, everyone will require extra days added on to their holidays because of the queues to get in and out of the country. One is welcome.”

“Nanny sing, now?”

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