Jacob Rees-Mogg finally spotted – in Dominic Cummings’ Basement

UK Politics
Jacob Rees-Mogg finally spotted - in Dominic Cummings’ Basement

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s vanishing into thin air has continued to create more questions than answers. The Leader of the House has gone MIA. The mystery though could soon be solved.

The Member of Parliament for North East Somerset was spotted, almost unrecognisable, chained in a gimp suit, in the basement of Dominic Cummings’ ‘strategy bunker’.

The true extent of Rees-Mogg’s low profile was highlighted by his absence from the front row at the Telford International Centre, at the unveiling of Boris Johnson’s Tory manifesto.

All the idiots were wheeled out, ones no one had heard of…Jake Berry, George Freeman, John Penrose…and Nicky Morgan who isn’t even standing as a candidate in the election. An insider confirmed “No one knew where Jacob had disappeared to and no one was allowed to ask. Dominic doesn’t want anyone taking the focus off Boris’s complete and utter fucked-upness and Jacob’s remarks trumped anything BJ could do.”

Westminster has been awash with rumours over the disappearance of Jacob Rees-Mogg. There is now mounting speculation he’s been told to keep a low profile since his damaging comments about the victims of the Grenfell tower disaster.

Rees-Mogg was spotted by an eagle-eyed dog walker, in a dirty raincoat, who thought he could see a heavily bearded and chained figure through a steamed up, barred window. “At first I thought it was the teacher from the Beano’s Bash Street Kids eating Denis the Menace’s dog, Gnasher, but it was a heavily bearded Jacob Rees-Mogg”. The man refused to explain why he was out walking his dog at 4 AM and why he took so long to alert the authorities. “Well, I was quite enjoying watching him I suppose but after 10 days, felt it was maybe time to let people know.”

Now fellow members are aware that Dominic Cummings, Mr Johnson’s chief adviser will not tolerate anyone going off-topic.

Pretty Patel is rumoured to be next for the basement but there are fears she may enjoy it too much.

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