“I’ve been the model of restraint in impossible situations” says Boris’ penis, distancing self from wandering hands.

Home Affairs, UK Politics
Boris Johnson’s own hands vote not to touch his penis

Boris Johnson’s claims that he has been the model of restraint in his choice of language, following last week’s supreme court ruling against him, hasn’t gone down well with everybody.

Now, in an incredible follow-up, his very own love wand has today claimed that, despite being permanently attached to the philanderous PM, it has been the ‘model of restraint’ in response to claims that it acts inappropriately at every possible opportunity.

The Prime Minister’s chubby giggle-stick addressed a press conference this morning to deny accusations that it has put Mr Johnson’s political career at risk.

“I am in no way responsible for the actions of the Prime Minister, anymore than his arm would be held to account if he were to, for example, grab somebody’s thigh.”

“It is not easy being a the love soldier of such a philandering, randy, blubber-mountain such as Boris. I do my very best to keep him in check, inviting Mr Floppy around whenever he’s free and itching in all the right places.”

“However, without going into too much detail, nothing seems to put him off, he’s virtually feral; he would try to force a moist button mushroom into a beefy Hula Hoop if he thought it would satisfy him. And it sometimes has.”

Despite its protestations, many still believe that the Prime Minister would be far more successful if he were to get rid of his passion baton altogether.

Bernard Gurnard, a spokesman for the Department of This Sort of Thing, said that he considered Mr Johnson to be ‘wholly innocent’ of the actions of his man-handle and that it had undoubtedly been ‘tapped by Mr Corbyn’.

“This is all Labour’s doing. If they have to stoop the this sort of level, baiting the Prime Minister’s lust-trumpet, then it just proves how unfit they are to govern whereas, for now at least, everything is in safe hands.”

Mr Corbyn later denied that he had ever tapped Mr Johnson’s disco stick.

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