Mr Johnson meets Leo Varadkar, the Irish prime minister, in Cheshire today in an attempt to break the deadlock amid bitter recriminations over the failure to make progress before next week’s EU summit.
However, disaster struck the Prime Minister’s Bentley on route to the meeting as it struck one of the North West’s 3.3 billion unfixed potholes. The car required towing to local mechanics ‘John Timms Motors and Repairs’ where Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are now believed to be hammering out a competitive deal.
Garage owner Timms said “I gave them the estimated bill and the bald one looked at me the way Joey Barton presumably looks at everyone.”
Sources confirmed things went downhill from there “I told him there’d be an hour wait for the delivery of a part… and Johnson just said he wouldn’t be held hostage like that and was serious about walking away from negotiations.”
“Just in passing I mentioned the engine could also use some coolant.”
In response, Johnson was quoted as saying “In the event the engine needs coolant to leave, it’s not right I get stuck with the divorce bill for leaving.”
Timms steadfastly stuck to his guns in response “He didn’t want to pay. I already explained that he can’t get the same benefits as those who pay for services without paying but he just looked at me blankly.”
“It’s £4.99 a carton.” Timms added.
When approached for comment, Johnson responded from the driver’s seat “The fact is, this mechanic needs me a lot more than I need him.” Turning the ignition as a fresh plume of smoke emerged from somewhere on the vehicle “I’m not messing about.” He added.
Above the howling screech of the Bentley’s clutch, it is understood that Dominic Cummings also agreed that the endless bureaucracy and requests for payment were just one many reasons Johnson would be leaving without repairs to his vehicle “Once we’re free of the red tape of John Timms Motors and repairs, we’ll be free to pursue mending solutions with garages all across the country.”
At press time, Johnson was desperately improvising engine coolant by stuffing a shop bought Twister into the engine block muttering “This country won two world wars… Good old British pluck and ingenuity!”