Simon Cowell has come under intense media scrutiny after dramatic weight loss, bleached teeth and an apparently retouched face.
After seeing the results, an underwhelmed Cowell immediately tried to mold his motionless face into the rictus of a scowl as he called fellow X Factor judges for their opinion. Unfortunately, Cheryl was unavailable for comment as no-one could remember her current surname so the conversation ended with a confused Louis Walsh taking it to deadlock.
It is understood Cowell underwent a ’21st century face-lift’ which ‘hurt like hell’ though he’s still in love with Botox
A distraught Simon Cowell claimed “It was injection after injection after injection; I looked like Pinhead from Hellraiser had accidentally tripped in the sewing section at Hobbycraft. Then finally stuck himself with a needle from a nearby haystack.”
However, when asked for comment, Pinhead the Hell Priest vehemently denied ever wearing his trousers that ludicrously high.
Cowell explained the thinking behind his new look “It’s simple, I told my plastic surgeon ‘give me the old Dorian Gray’ he looked forever young at the eventual cost of his soul. All I wanted was to look perpetually 47… my soul was dog-shit to start with so what’s the problem?”
He added “Also, who are you exactly? I’m richer than Alexander the Great and Scrooge McDuck and I really don’t care what a pleb like you thinks.”