If Corbyn steps down, Labour to turn next Leadership Contest into a (literal) Pissing Contest. Heavyweights McDonnell and Watson go head to head.

UK Politics
If Corbyn steps down, Labour to turn next Leadership Contest into a (literal) Pissing Contest. Heavyweights McDonnell and Watson go head to head

Sources close to Labour deputy leader Tom Watson have claimed that he is preparing for a bitter battle of leadership in the event that Jeremy Corbyn is ousted as leader of Labour for anti-semitism. And rumours abound that Mr Watson’s adversary will be worthy contender Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell.

This particular battle of succession has already begun within the ancient corridors of Westminster and has auspiciously started with schoolyard name calling and put downs.

Mr Watson has become known within Westminster circles as the “fat man” (a nick name that has its genesis in his once 22 stone frame).

This nickname has played into rival MPs hands allowing them to regularly taunt Mr Watson by singing his nickname “Fat Man” to the tune of Scatman John’s 1995 mega hit “Scatman” (“I’m the fat man ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop”). Watson’s camp are allegedly working on something equally as catchy to slay McDonnell with but have yet to come up with anything that’s deeply Marxist AND funny.

As the British political landscape edges ever closer to that of an episode of Game of Thrones, political watchers can expect a wonderfully nuanced Michavellian plot involving Tony Blair, The Independent Group and a mystical crow, to dispose Jeremy Corbyn of his power as the head of the Labour Party. In this instance and this instance only we can expect that Watson and McDonnell will pull together to rid Labour of the toxic Corbyn. And in their defence they are only taking inspiration from what is happening in the Conservative party as a number of contenders aim to usurp their party’s very own Cersei Lannister, Theresa May. For example, this week Conservative Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson said that he had an army at his disposal in the event of a “come what May” no-deal Brexit.

However when it comes to the battle lines of McDonnell and Watson’s fight for leadership, rules WILL abound and the two men will engage in a good old fashioned pissing contest.

A senior Labour source described it as the “only fair way to settle such an arbitrary decision”. The rules of the contest will remain the same as they have for centuries, whoever urinates highest will win the contest and the leadership. An independent adjudicator told us “If it’s a tie breaker in terms of height of urine, then the competition will be judged on flow of urine. If still no differential in quality then colour.” Bets are open and current odds on favourite to win the pissing contest and succeed Corbyn is Watson. Watson aged 52 to McDonnell’s 67 is not only younger (and less likely to suffer the difficulties in urination that old age bring) but is also fighting fit after a recent stunning seven stone weight loss.

A Labour souce has said that an interesting by result of the contest is that Labour politics will become more accessible and tangiable for the masses, “A pissing contest is an obvious yardstick of success”.

  •   
  • 16
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  
  •  

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.