The government has asked the Queen to suspend Parliament just days after MPs return to work in September – and only a few weeks before the Brexit deadline.
The Queen is reportedly delighted at the suggestion, and was overheard by palace staff to exclaim “Oh Philip, have you heard the news? Those posturing wankers in government want me to reintroduce hanging, and have volunteered to go first – isn’t it marvellous?”
She went on: “You know, I suspected that eventually they – especially that thatched dicksplat Boris – would realise that they are of very little use to the people they serve and offer to be suspended from the ceiling of the House of Commons to show remorse for all the time they’ve wasted.”
Boris Johnson said a Queen’s Speech would take place after the suspension, on 14 October.
“And what a speech it will be!” remarked Her Majesty, taking a puff on a fine cigar.
“Me, alone in Parliament, taking control of the whole proceedings from my position as ruler – no longer will I be just a tokenistic figurehead of state, famous for little other than being on stamps or being the subject of a rather good series on Netflix.”
She added: “What’s that? Farage? No, he won’t be hanged with the rest of them. He and that shiny-faced pig molester who started this mess will be thrown into the Tower of London to rot for the rest of their days.
“Right, so who’s with me?”