The new home secretary, Priti Patel, has said she wants criminals to ‘literally feel terror’ at the thought of breaking the law.
The home secretary has teamed up with nano chip manufacturers Manchurian Inc, who she had met recently, while on a family holiday in Israel. ‘I was at a beach bar, minding my own business, talking to a couple of Mossad guys, when three Manchurian execs approached me,’ said Patel.
The Conservative Party is the party of law and Order, ‘ Ms Patel said.
There has already been controversy, as one of the new test recipients, a convicted shoplifter named Bob S, caused chaos at a Tesco Express. ‘I picked up a bar of ‘Fruit and Nut’ to check the fat content, next thing you know I was being attacked by a swarm of killer Bees – I’ve wet myself, the security guard comes running over, slips, and breaks his neck. I’m now looking at a ten-stretch for Manslaughter,’ moaned Bob.
She also distanced herself from past comments supporting the death penalty.
Priti explained, ‘Who needs the death penalty when you’ve got the Patel ZX81 chip in your brain? Set on random, it can reproduce terrifying events such as feeling like you’ve been on hold with HMRC for five hours, a twelve hour wait in a hospital A and E room, or my personal favourite, being trapped inside a tractor tyre – and then being set on fire.’