A day after coming sixth in the first ballot of the party’s MPs in the contest to become Conservative leader, Matt Hancock has quit.
“I couldn’t keep it up any longer. I was tired and had to get back to work”, commented the outgoing Tory leadership candidate Matt Hancock, aka prankster extraordinaire Karl Power.
“I’ve been doing ‘Matt Hancock’ in my spare time for about nine years”, amitted Power, famous for appearances at sporting events in full kit ready to play.
“After doing the Man United team photo and Wimbledon, etc. I wanted a bigger challenge, something that would test my endurance. The relatively low profile of a Tory minister was perfect, and not too strenuous”, added the prankster.
Three candidates – Mark Harper, Andrea Leadsom and Esther McVey – were knocked out in the first round of the leadership contest, in which Mr Hancock received 20 votes.
“I never expected Matt Hancock to hold down ministerial offices, never mind get 20 votes in the race to be PM.
“I never put that much effort into him, I thought I’d easily be rumbled once Matt gained a profile, but everyone bought it – except Esther McVey.
“She’s a scouser and picked up a little Manc in Matt’s accent. But, I bunged Esther a huge box of Ferrero Rocher to keep shtum, she was sweet with that.
“I’ve tried to make the argument about the values that the Conservative Party needs to hold dear, of free enterprise and support for a free society and being open and optimistic and enthusiastic about the future.
“Me and a few mates were writing soundbites like that every weekend in the pub. The campaign slogan was going to be: ‘Dare to care. Dare to share’ for god’s sake!
“In interviews I could barely keep a straight face.”
Further ballots are scheduled to take place next Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday to whittle down the contenders until only two are left. The process could be speeded up if anyone else drops out.
Karl added: “I’m exhausted. I’m relieved it’s over and I didn’t get to the last two. Sasha Baron Cohen’s ‘Boris’ would kick my arse, anyway.
“Shit! Shut up, Matt!”