Heseltine accuses Johnson of “Spiv Tactics”; Johnson accuses Heseltine of “being a Spitting Image Dummy”

UK Politics
Heseltine accuses Johnson of Spiv Tactics; Johnson accuses Heseltine of being a Spitting Image Dummy

In an interview with Andrew Castle, the former Tory Deputy Prime Minister Lord Heseltine accused Boris Johnson of ‘flaunting his determination to ignore the law’ and that sending multiple letters to the EU was ‘chicanery.’

On hearing this, the Prime Minister and putative adopted son of Donald Trump countered by accusing Lord Heseltine of having died many years ago.

“Those of us in the establishment, oops, ignore that,” said Johnson, “I’m supposed to be one of the people. Where was I? Oh yes, those of us NOT in the establishment know that Mikey-boy Heselbine popped his clogs twenty odd years ago. To avoid paying scandalously high inheritance taxes, which, incidentally, I intend to abolish as soon as I’ve sold off the NHS to my new Dad (Donald Trump), Heselbine’s family have worked tirelessly to keep up the appearance that he is still alive. In fact they did a deal with Fluck and Law to rent their Heselbine puppet and animate it during press interviews.”

When pressed for further details of this ludicrous assertion, Johnson chortled and said, “I’m not fibbing this time, honestly!”

It is well known by those in the media that Johnson’s mendacity is legendary. You can always tell he’s lying because he’s lying. Nevertheless, he was pressed for more information on the Heseltine bullshit.

“It’s true!” insisted Johnson, “Some unknown scribbler called David Smith writes the claptrap and Jon Culshaw does the voice.”

Quoting from the Castle interview, Johnson was told that Lord Heseltine said, “Yesterday just indicates what we already know, which is the deep division Brexit has created in our society and every day there are different manifestations of it.”

On this Johnson commented, “He’s dead right about that, no pun intended.” Johnson added, “It’s unhelpful to be chi-iked in the name of the dead by these Spitting Image pillocks. No wonder the country is divided. One manifestation is that honest, law-abiding privileged toffs, such as the ‘Leaper of the House’ Jacob Rees-Mogg, get hassled in the streets on the way home to their castles by low-life, loud mouthed remoaning thugs.”

It was pointed out that remainer MPs, a number of them vulnerable women, were also harassed in the streets on leaving parliament yesterday.

“Who by?” Johnson demanded to know.

When he was told they were threatened by a rabble of Brexit supporters, Johnson said, “You mean honest, upright citizens exercising their right to free speech.”

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