Struggling to get your head around coronavirus? Stuck in isolation? Worried about lockdown?
This is your all inclusive guide to self isolation, social distancing and surviving Covid-19 from the people who put the influenza in to influential.
Tom Hanks has been where few people have gone before and has returned to tell his story. But enough about Apollo 13. Hanks recently recovered from Covid-19 and has some invaluable information about how to tackle the virus:
“It’s a Big world – there’s a lot of information so it’s hard to see the Forrest for the trees. I don’t mean to Sully the name of any news sites but some of these people are basically saying to the virus: ‘Catch Me If You Can.’ It’s very important to Cast Away from people if You’ve Got Mail or female relatives who are at risk. I don’t care if you’re in Philadelphia or Sleepless in Seattle, this thing is Terminal. Also, Toy Story.”
Rita has made a full recovery from Covid-19. Her main takeaway is that you should try, wherever possible, to be Tom Hanks’ wife and make sure no news outlet identifies you as anything else.
“I’m Tom Hanks’ wife”
Coronavirus is killing people, so why not murder a classic song whilst we’re at it:
“We’re killing coronavirus through song. If you have any famous friends (don’t do it with normal people that would be shit), you too can get them all together in unity and hope to mutually murder a beloved song. Give them all a different key to sing in, no time signature and ask them to stare dead-eyed into the camera in the most upsettingly sincere way possible. Like Band Aid but sadder.”
Survival rates for Beatles songs are declining with Hey Jude looking like a high risk for a butchering despite people who were asked if they’d sing it saying:
“nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.”
The Terminator has taken to social media to encourage people to stay at home. His tips for staving off the boredom involve relaxing in your jacuzzi, hanging out with your pet horse and smoking fine cuban cigars. The ex-Governor also had some work out tips for his fans saying:
“Being a bodybuilder really helps with home work-outs because if your literal job at one point was to be totally jacked, you not only have the motivation and discipline, you also have a vast amount of knowledge about how to approach home work-outs. It also helps if you have a full home gym, swimming pool and live-in trainer.”
With all this bad press, Coronavirus has tried to do some damage control by infecting Harvey Weinstein who is by all definitions the absolute worst. Covid-19 has since been seen using a zimmer-frame and has said:
“I didn’t infect Weinstein, I’ve never infected anyone. In fact, people have been lying about all cases of coronavirus. I firmly stand by the fact that, despite all this evidence and widely corroborated documented cases, that I have never done anything wrong and also don’t even exist.”
Madonna got some unlucky assistant to film her in a bath seemingly full of milk and spoke at the camera about Covid-19. It was well thoughtful, touching and very, very accurate:
“Coronavirus doesn’t care how famous you are because viruses are small infectious agents that replicate inside the living cells of an organism so they don’t engage with mainstream culture: it’s bacteria that cares about culture.”
“Coronavirus is the great equaliser – it’s made us all equal in many ways. And by ‘us all’ I obviously only mean rich people because I have no frame of reference anymore, I’m literally in a bath talking about how we’re all equal. So, if you’re isolating, just sit in a bath – or a pool of money – and have your chefs prepare all your food for you. Don’t worry, this virus is like a virgin: it won’t last long. “
The host of This Morning has been social-isolating which has led to a phenomenon very new to him: thinking things through. With a bit more time to reflect Piers has started to reveal a load of much more moderate opinions:
“Because of the lag on my zoom conferences, I am having to wait for even a second before jumping on some abhorrent bile filled rant. I’ve had what people call ‘thoughts’ and I’ve discovered these things called ‘counter-arguments’ and ‘evidence’ which honestly I had no idea about. So I’ve been tweeting to tell people to stay home which is easy for me cause i’m bloody minted. Do you know what, now I reckon that phone hacking isn’t on, women are basically people and vegan sausage rolls are probably fine.”
There you have it, all you really need to survive this pandemic is so much money it makes money itself, a wide fan base of support that will remain loyal and a Hollywood mansion away from the poor.
Coronavirus has a vaccine: regular and large injections of cash.