Groundbreaking healthy heart technology will be trialed on whoever becomes next PM – to double check they don’t have one

Health, Lifestyle and Family, Science and Tech, UK Politics
Scientific breakthrough in healthy heart technology will be trialed on whoever is the next PM to check they have one

A patch made of million of stem cells that can help the heart to pump might also be able to help repair the damage cause by a heart attack, say researchers.

They are hoping that it will be ready for human trials by the time the next Prime Minister is elected. “This patch might be able to help us determine if the next PM actually has a heart or not,” said a head researcher. “Obviously this would be tremendously valuable information, as in the past we have had to guess about the existence of the PMs heart, with excessive amounts of evidence pointing to a lack thereof.”

The “pumping patch” is grown from a sample of the patient’s own cells and then sewn onto the heart, and releases chemicals that repair and regenerate existing heart cells.

“In the case of the next PM the trick will be of course to find a healthy enough sampling of cells to use to grow the patch,” said one of the researchers. “Many of the candidates are pasty, nefarious, indoor cave-dwellers, and any proof that has been presented that any of them are in fact human is circumstantial at best. The next step would then be to attempt to locate their hearts, which is when we would discover if they have one  or have some kind of wiring or circuitry in place of one.” Asked whether he thought of the PM candidates as a cross between salamanders and cyborgs, he said, “I don’t need to give an opinion on that – we have all seen them!”

Heart failure affects about 920,000 people in the UK, and the hope is that heart patches could become a routine treatment after a heart attack.

Of course heart failure among politicians is statistically lower than in the general population, as most of them do not have hearts.

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