Greggs unveils extra profit, as British public lose the will to live.

Business
Greggs unveils extra profit, thanks to British public losing the will to live

Britain’s biggest bakery chain Greggs said it enjoyed a strong finish to 2018, thanks to bumper sales of its festive bake and mince pies, as well as hot drinks and the Greggs breakfast range.

Analysts say increased purchases of Greggs products highlights a general malaise in British society, largely down to the psychological impact of Brexit. It’s a self-destructive pattern known as ‘Thelma and Louise’ consumption whereby people who can’t take anymore just ‘keep going’ despite the knowledge that they’re definitely going to die.

The bakery is now expecting pre-tax profits of at least £88m for 2018.

Which couldn’t be more appropriate, as bingo callers everywhere would agree.

Greggs said its latest creation, the £1 vegan sausage roll, was proving popular with “a broad range of customers.”

More precisely, the roll has proved popular with a range of broad customers – people who would happily eat dog poo if it was covered in pastry (in fact, as Greggs customers, they probably do).

The one group which definitely hasn’t been buying into vegan sausage rolls are vegans – they simply wouldn’t have the strength to fight their way through the heaving mass of sweaty Greggs customers to get to the counter.

Roger Whiteside, the firm’s chief executive, said: “In the year ahead, we will continue to innovate with products designed to reflect changing consumer tastes, and by opening in new locations that make Greggs even more accessible to customers.”

One of Greggs’ exciting new products is the cyanide roll. Perfect for those who just can’t face life in a post-Brexit dystopia, the roll is significantly more efficient than eating pasties and pies until your heart explodes.

Meanwhile, planned new outlets in hospitals and graveyards will ensure that grieving relatives are soon reunited with their loved ones.

Chris Ballard

Written By: Chris Ballard

Chris has literally months of experience as a comedy writer. He has had sketch and oneliner credits on BBC’s Newsjack, is a certified writer on Comedywire and has written over 100 articles for various satire sites. He lives in Kent where he is cared for by his wife and two children. One day his wife will laugh at something he has written.
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