The Government is pledging to end smoking in England by 2030 as part of a range of measures to tackle the causes of preventable ill health.
To replace the black hole in lost future tax revenue, the Government has entered a ten year pay per view deal with Sky Sports to televise Pensioner Russian Roulette. Sponsors will include BET 1440, whose front man Peter Mandelson will give the latest odds during commercial breaks. Other main sponsors include Depends adult underwear.
Currently men and women spend over a fifth of their lives in ill health and the Government wants to reduce that number drastically.
The new Entertainment Minister, Piers Morgan said, ‘ As soon as you hit 70, BOOM! You’re gonna be sitting in that chair. One on One, Live TV, a potential audience of millions. And guess what? If you win, you’re walking away with you’re freedom and a nice M and S voucher.
Those in deprived areas experience the longest periods of poor health, something the Government plans to change.
Piers continued ‘ It doesn’t matter where you’re from, 70 is the new even money! That’s actually a BET 1440 slogan, I gave them that.’
When asked about the possibility of corruption or a ‘free pass’ for a friend, Morgan stated. ‘On the Minister of Russian Roulette’s watch?’ No way is Chris Grayling going to let that happen.