Government donates Theresa May for use in coronavirus vaccine experiments

Health, Lifestyle and Family, Home Affairs, Science and Tech, UK Politics
Theresa May attends careers seminar for world’s elite executives – to serve them drinks and canapes

Former prime minister Theresa May has been handed over to scientific research as part of the battle to defeat Covid-19.

The selfless gesture was made by the Conservative Party as it desperately tries to actually achieve something useful in the fight against the global pandemic.

Research into tackling coronavirus is taking place at rapid speed, with more than 20 vaccines in development across the planet.

Tory spokesman Kevin Watkins said: “Let’s be honest, it’s not as if Theresa is going to be particularly missed by anyone and the vaccine scientists need someone to practise on. So in many ways this idea is the perfect solution for everyone.”

Mr Watkins revealed that initially the Conservatives had been planning to offer the boffins David Cameron as part of the deal.

“Unfortunately Dave was a little bit too quick for us. As soon as he got wind that we were plotting to turn him into a lab rat the little swine did a runner and escaped to one of the far flung tax heavens he likes to specialise in.

“I expect that even as we speak Dave’s living it up in a shepherd’s hut on a beach somewhere hot and tropical, just like a pig in clover.”

Among the medical tests which are taking place, scientists in Australia have begun injecting ferrets with two potential vaccines.

“This sounds like just the sort of thing Theresa could get involved with,” said Mr Watkins.

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind sharing a cage with a couple of friendly ferrets and being injected with an obscure chemical combination. It would be similar to the way we Tories treated her over Brexit.”

The highly unusual step of donating a living human for medical research has caused alarm for a number of organisations, including the National Society Of Lab Rats. Spokesman Rowland “Ratty” Richards said: “Our members pride themselves on their professionalism and definitely don’t want to be associated with the likes of Theresa May or David Cameron.”

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