Prisons minister Rory Stewart has proposed reforms to the justice system that would see the scrapping of short sentences for minor offenders.
“Hanging is a much more cost-effective way to deal with those hard-up proles”, said the minister.
Under the proposed changes, anyone caught trying to sneak an extra Hovis Best of Both through the self-service checkouts at ASDA would immediately be taken to a place of execution and hanged by the neck until they are dead.
It has been suggested that the supermarket car park might be an ideal venue, with the condemned to be charged 10p if they forget to bring a reusable execution hood.
Mr Stewart said one of the problems with short sentences is that offenders can be negatively influenced by prisoners they meet inside.
The reintroduction of public hangings would not only ensure that society’s least-dangerous offenders are taken off the streets for good, but should also provide an economic boost to the live family entertainment sector.
The sad reality is that most children growing up in 21st Century Britain have never witnessed an execution, or even a good old-fashioned baying mob. Following widely publicised concerns about the negative impacts of childhood screen use, parents are expected to welcome the reintroduction of a safer, healthier form of entertainment that encourages kids to get out in the fresh air and learn about justice, knot tying, and the limits of human physiology.
The Ministry of Justice are said to be exploring various additional alternatives.
Another proposal is that petty criminals be deported to Australia.
Unlike the convicts of 1788, who were sent by ship to a blissfully barren land of promise, modern-day offenders will find Sydney to be a prospering cosmopolitan hellhole where the sun is hot, the beer is cold and ‘Brexit’ is an ironically-named brunch special.
It is assumed that most will opt for the death penalty.