Michael Gove has pledged that if he becomes the next Prime Minister he will allow EU nationals living in the UK to apply for citizenship free of charge.
“Free of charge of course in this case pertains only to money,” said Mr. Gove. “As an alternative, each candidate will be required to sign away their immortal soul using their own blood as ink. I think it is a fair price to pay to become a UK citizen and of course, to avoid all of that other annoying paperwork!” At this point during the press conference Mr. Gove laughed so heartily that his lectern caught on fire but thankfully aides were there to immediately put out the blaze. “We are used to it,” one commented. “We signed away our souls years ago!”
If Mr. Gove becomes the next Tory leader, he would get rid of the “settled status”scheme where EU citizens are required to prove their right to remain in the UK.
Under the new scheme, once they had signed away their souls to Mr. Gove (eventually leading to utter and everlasting damnation in the hottest pits of hell), they would be free to live and move around the UK at will. “It’s an amazing deal,” said one EU citizen. “One signature and all my residency problems are over? Where do I sign?” When reminded that this would be in exchange for never-ending torment after death, she said, “Yes but I already live in Blackpool. Plus, I’m agreeing to have Gove as Prime Minister, so obviously there is going to be some sort of payback. You just have to weigh up the pros and cons.”
A source close to the environment secretary said, “This is simply the right thing to do – honoring the promise of Vote Leave that EU nationals studying, working and living in the UK were welcome to stay.”
There was some concern however among other candidates that people did not understand the gravity of what they were agreeing to. However this was countered by a Downing Street spokesman, who said, “Stop being so naive. Do you really think anyone that supports Micheal Gove for Prime Minister doesn’t know they are eventually going to hell?”