An 18-carat solid gold toilet has been stolen in a burglary overnight at Blenheim Palace.
Through a confidential informant (Tony Blair), and sloppy planning by the getaway driver, Police have arrested ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his gang. A Scotland Yard spokesman said, ‘we turned up at his house and things became unstable. Gordon turned crazy, I’m talking Bushmaster on Nightshade crazy. He head-butted one of my officers and kicked another in the nuts. I hadn’t seen that much violence since we nicked Theresa May for dealing crystal meth in a wheat field.’
A gang broke into the Oxfordshire palace at about 04:50 BST and stole the artwork, Thames Valley Police said.
The gang, made up of loyal-to-Brown ex Labour MPs included: Ed Balls and his wife Yvette, who were in charge of financing the job, melting down the toilet and getting the best price. Ed Miliband, for organising packed lunches – excluding bacon sandwiches which were forbidden. Jacqui Smith, responsible for satellite communications and hideouts. The one weak link of the team was wild-card Chris Grayling, who was brought in last-minute as the getaway driver… He had used his wife’s car.
Det Insp Jess Milne, said: “The piece of art that has been stolen is a high-value toilet made out of gold that was on display at the palace.
When Police asked why he did it, Brown said he wanted to make up for the 400 plus tonnes of UK gold reserves he sold on the cheap, back in 1999. His plan was to put the proceeds from the melted down toilet back into something good for the people – like commemorative gold coins with his image on one side and Tony Blair’s severed head on the other.
The gold toilet was famously offered to US President Donald Trump in 2017.
His offer was refused – after taking what can only be described as a ‘bigly shit’ inside it, and then trying to obtain a Presidential discount.