God is set to launch an appeal to the Court of Arbitration in Sport over claims that he is not making women properly.
At a meeting in Lausanne, Switzerland last week, Caster Semenya, the three-time 800m world champion, was judged to not be a proper woman and put into a ‘Caster Semenya category’ whereby she will only be allowed to run against herself every second Thursday in March.
An IAAF official told us today, “It’s one thing God making women the way he normally does, but when he puts stuff in them to make them better runners so they win all the time, it’s not fair. We cannot believe that he is appealing the decision of this court.”
However, a bemused Almighty claimed today that he has ‘been making women for ages’ and hasn’t had any complaints up until now, other than Margaret Thatcher, Myra Hindley and Katie Hopkins, for whom he has already apologised.
“It’s an important case,” said God today, “as I have always been one for a bit of variety. For example, Sonny Liston had unnaturally long arms and went on to be a boxing champion. I also accidentally gave Usain Bolt strong legs, but maybe I need to stop the likes of that.”
Although Semenya has frequently pleaded just to be able to run naturally, the way she was born, it seems that she and God have a real battle on their hands, including with fellow athletes.
Paula Radcliffe, who has vociferously suggested that her normal is the most normal normal, that anyone not like her is not normal and shouldn’t be allowed to race, is set to be the first witness called by God, who said that He ‘can’t guarantee the long-term sanctuary of her soul’ should she decide not to be a little more accommodating.