GPs in England are being investigated for fraud amid suspicions they are claiming for non-existent or “ghost” patients.
William Shakespeare, acting as spokesman for Ghosts of the UK, said, “That’s just typical of this government – blaming their failings on a minority group. Just because you can’t see us most of the time doesn’t mean we aren’t there!” Also in attendance was Guy Fawkes, who asked, “Where am I supposed to get treatment for being hung, drawn and quartered if not our NHS?”
Records for the last year show that there are 3.6million more patients in the NHS system than there are people in England. Doctors get £150 per year for each patient on their list. Many of these are instances where the patient has moved away or died without the doctor’s knowledge.
“This is blatant discrimination, that’s all. What kind of doctor doesn’t notice that their patient has died? A discriminatory one, that’s what!” said The Brown Lady. “You’d think we were still living in the 18th century – next you’ll be telling me a women’s place is to haunt the kitchen!”
NHS England employed a company to start chasing up these ghost patients.
The NHS Counter Fraud Authority is led by Ebeneezer Scrooge, a man with a lot of experience with ghosts. In his statement he said, “If you had seen the state of Jacob Marley after he had been dead for a few years then of course you would not deny that our UK ghosts are in need of treatment – the question is, should they be using our public funded health services which are designed, not to be indelicate, for living people?” When the assembled UK ghosts heard this, Mary Queen of Scots threw her head on the floor in exasperation, the princes from the tower burst into tears and several of King Arthur’s knights called “shame!” loudly from the crowd.
A list-cleaning exercise has focused on patients who have not visited their doctor in five year. After attempts are made to contact them, they are de-registered from the practice.
“Some of us are only on this earthly plane once every 20 years or so,” said The Black Abbott. “We do have other things to do you know! But oh, disappear for a couple decades and suddenly you aren’t real enough to be registered for the NHS? It’s disgusting.” The ghost of the founder of the NHS, Aneurin Bevan, unfortunately could not be reached for comment since his recent exorcism.