UKIP’s current leader Gerard Batten has appeared on the Andrew Marr show, claiming that Nigel Farage is now trying to “discredit” the party.
Not long after his appearance, the ground opened up beneath Batten. All of a sudden he found himself falling in total darkness. He continued falling for what felt like an eternity, catching the scent of sulphur and hearing far off screams all the while. Just at the moment he had started to forget that he had ever expected to meet the ground, it met him with great force. When he arose he found himself in the centre of a pentagram formed by flames. When his eyes adjusted to the light he saw two chairs, one of which was empty, one in which sat Nigel Farage.
He took the empty chair, and both men looked ahead as their master approached. An enormous figure with leathery black wings, twisted horns, and cloven hooves approached them. Lucifer himself walked though the flames with ease, and knelt before his servants, only so that they could see his face with a squint. After a moment of silence the prince of darkness spoke…
“…I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed”
Both men burst into petulant shouting “he said I’m far right” “well he brought up the National Front” “But he called UKIP thuggy” “but he called me a wanker”
“Enough, do I have to get the talking stick out?” Satan cried.
During the same appearance Batten had also been called to defend Carl Benjamin, a possible UKIP candidate in the next European elections. Carl has a YouTube channel where he gets hysterical about any moves toward gender and racial justice, has been on a bunch of live streams with Richard Spencer, and once told MP Jess Phillips on twitter “I wouldn’t even rape you.”
He also puts on a weird posh voice to sound smart. Yes that’s in bold, you listen to one of his videos and tell me that’s his natural speaking voice.
It was at this point that Carl, who had been listening from one of the corners of the pentagram, began sobbing “but Nigel called us far right when I’m actually a classical liberal, free speech absolutist, anti-sjw, anti-black lives matter, anti-Marxism, red pilled, anti-regressive left, free market place of ideas…
Lucifer sighed “…Carl sweetie the grown-ups are talking, why don’t you go and make an eight hour video about a Salon.com headline. You don’t even have to read the article, just get super mad about what you think might be in it”
Hell was one thing, but talking to Carl Benjamin made him half consider switching sides.
Nigel Farage left UKIP earlier this year. He claimed this was because the party was becoming obsessed with the supposed threat of Islam. He has since started his own Brexit party.
“Now listen you two, you’re making us look like right twats, I trusted you both to make life a steaming pile of shit on earth, and now people are laughing at us.”
“But Nigel called me far right”
“You’re both far right, that’s like your whole deal, now kiss and makeup, I have to go dictate some tweets to Katie Hopkins.”