Days after her powerful speech to the UN climate action summit reverberated around the world, Greta Thunberg has been named among four winners of an international award dubbed the “alternative Nobels”.
Upon hearing this news, an enraged John Timms took to Facebook with a searing status update for his 11 friends “Sic of hearin bout her, just being used as a liberal puppet to beat us round the head… shud be in school cause she ain’t that important!”
Timms, who, at press time had yet to be nominated for any Nobel awards, reportedly deleted a follow up comment where he complained Thunberg “Wasn’t even fit!” after noticing his friend count had gone down to 8 in the minutes following his criticism.
Begrudging acquaintance Sally Ails, who’d noticed a recurrent pattern of Timms aggressively criticising a teenage girl offered a snapshot into his mentality “You know, people always say ‘you just need to meet the right person…’ but people stopped saying that when he was 19.” Ails continued “It was apparent the ‘right person’ would be a fully poseable sex doll and he’d met plenty of them.”
“Some people aren’t interested in sex, some people are celibate for religious reasons. John though… he’s definitely interested in sex, dangerously obsessed almost; he sent dick pics to the receptionist after she smiled at him… Nothing would have come of it, except he tried to take her to H.R for sexual harassment after she replied asking if, physiologically, he’d gone through puberty.”
“She wasn’t being malicious, she was genuinely concerned he had a hormone issue given his genitals were abnormally small.”
When approached for comment about why, specifically, he hated Thunberg so much Timms asked, several times, if this correspondent could buy him a birthday drink to discuss it further. When it was revealed I was washing my hair and couldn’t attend, a dejected Timms could be heard humming happy birthday to himself while posted a wildly oscillating update claiming Thunberg “Hates men and freedom of speech and needs to shup up!”