“Fuck it, let’s legalise heroin – the country’s already going to shit anyway” say Labour

Home Affairs, UK Politics
Fuck it, let's legalise heroin - the country's already going to shit anyway say Labour

A Labour government could reportedly consider legalising all drugs if it was recommended by royal commission.

A tired and defeated Jeremy Corbyn spoke to reporters today, and mentioned the possibility of legalising drugs such as heroin and cannabis:

“The country is already spiraling into a chasm of dread and ruin, we may as well let people shoot up if they want to. Who gives a shit anymore. Rome is burning, let the masses have all the bread and circuses they can melt on a spoon.”

Corbyn also believes that a decrease in medical supplies caused by Brexit may be alleviated by people curing headaches and mental health problems through a ’19th century Hong Kong amount of smack’.

Labour MP David Lammy said he was pleased to see his party “commit to an evidence based approach on drug reform”.

“Brexit is going to see a terrible economic downfall on small businesses, and trade to the E.U. We need alternatives if the country is to try and make up for these shortcomings,” Lammy announced.

“After vigorous research we found that one of the best options would be to turn the U.K into a pre-eminent distributor of narcotics. We’re looking to help business that will suffer under Brexit by converting them to heroin production facilities. White Powder, Black Tar, Mexican brown and China White; we’re hoping to be a hub for all varieties of opiods.”

It is not just heroin that is under consideration, but other hardcore drugs such as cocaine.

Michael Gove is apparently outraged by the idea, as his favourite past-time will now be considered ‘common’.

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