France to deploy troops in crack down on ‘Yellow Vest’ petrol-price protestors. Or at least they will as soon as they can find a store that hasn’t sold out of hi-vis clothing. Safety First!

Home Affairs, World News

As France’s ‘Gilets Jaunes’ (Yellow Vests) cause chaos across the country with their fuel-price riots, PM Philippe has announced plans to punish those who hold unsanctioned protests.

After Philippe’s speech, President Macron then spoke to journalists via video link from his official metropolitan bunker (explaining that he couldn’t talk for long as his wife only allowed him ten minutes talking time between president lessons, which were strictly fingers-on-lips) to further expand on the plans,

“A good protest is an officially sanctioned protest in an officially sanctioned space for an officially sanctioned period of time with officially sanctioned numbers. This allows the protest to be carried out peacefully and quietly without disturbing the running of the country,” he proudly read out from his A5 jotter.

This weekend, protestors reportedly rammed a government spokesman with a forklift truck, and broke down the gates to a separate government office.

Although those protestors were actually from an entirely separate movement, “Mouvement des gilet orange”.

The orange-jacketed counter-protest group are gathering momentum across the country protesting about there being too many protests.

The group also aims to highlight that orange jackets are just as valid for road safety as yellow ones and should be adopted nationally as a stand against the yellow jacketed Anglo-Americanisation of European culture.

(When challenged about the choice of colour, given that ‘Orange’ is spelt the same in English, a spokesman raged largely unintelligibly, save only a sentence about how Eurovision should still be presented in French and English.)

In preparation for the next wave of protests, it was confirmed that plans have been made to deploy 80,000 members of the security forces.

The PM has conceded that this may take some time, however.

“There’s a national shortage of hi-vis vests, as bumper sales in November and December made it France’s top Christmas gift.”

“Also the troops are going to have to walk to get to their posts. I mean have you seen the price of petrol right now?!”

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